Emotions, everybody’s got ’em!

Let me set the scene: I’m in my twenties and I’m in my boss’s office reviewing some campaign material with him that I developed. I had proposed the idea for the campaign and I was proud of my decisions and my work. I had prepared a short video, graphics, social media copy, website material, and a rack card. Just as we got to the moment when I was about to start playing the video on my laptop, his boss popped his head in (this was the land of middle managers).

“What’s all that?” His manager asked. “It looks really good.”

Before I could say a word, my manager jumped in. “I’m giving Taryn feedback on the new campaign we’ve developed.”

We?

“I love the initiative. Let’s talk about presenting this at the next senior leadership meeting. Good work.” His boss disappeared into the hall.

A satisfied look came over my boss’s usually unimpressed face.

“Will we both present this?” I asked optimiscally. “I mean, I created the campaign.”

He was looking at his phone at this point. “Oh no, I’ll present but don’t worry,” he said distractedly, without looking up. “It doesn’t really matter who created it. The work makes the department look good and that’s all that matters, right?”

I tried to talk to him more, to share how I felt about being sidelined, but he was already off to his next meeting.

I wish I could say that since that experience, I’ve encountered more emotionally in tune leaders, but I haven’t. It’s a notable problem in many workplaces, and I think others can relate to this.

Being aware of someone else’s emotions is something that remains a mystery, even for people who are otherwise very good at what they do.

So what’s the problem? Why do most people fail at having a reasonable level of emotional intelligence?

Let’s back up a minute. Most people who find themselves in senior roles do so because of their advanced skill in their functional area. If you work as a controller, you’re going to be great with numbers and data. If you’re the manager of an engineering portfolio, most likely you will also be a talented engineer.

And while many interviews include a few questions related to so-called “soft skills,” I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. It’s easy enough to answer this question when asked directly, but the day to day actions of the leader could tell a different story, and they often do.

So why do so many leaders fall flat when it comes to the emotions of their staff? It comes down to this: emotional intelligence is not something that you can memorize a few key ideas and share back in an interview.

Emotional intelligence is a practice. It takes time. It requires a leader to consider their own world view, their own perspective, and then take a moment to understand how the other person feels. It might require a conversation, a difficult conversation.

It’s not as simple as it seems.

There is power in a leadership ethic that includes the pursuit of emotional intelligence. Having emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding where others are coming from, it means understanding where you are coming from. What are your values?

In interviews, we are often asked: how do you keep up to date in the industry?

This, of course, is referring to the industry that we have pursued a career in.

What if that question was transformed into something deeper, something more meaningful? What if a potential leader was asked something about how they keep approachable to people, in tune with people, and understanding of where other’s are coming from.

Emotional intelligence isn’t something that a leader needs to fail at. With work, it can enhance relationships, cultivate a strong team culture, and build more trust.

There’s a lot to lose with a lack of emotional intelligence.

As for my old boss, he presented my work at the meeting, but he couldn’t answer any questions and he ended up getting very flustered. If only he would have chosen a more collaborative path instead. Perhaps his outcome would have been different.